I certainly understand why it is much easier to say “no” when you are not face-to-face with someone.
In fact, a few years ago, I created and memorised the following response:
“Thank you for the invitation to blah blah. I am genuinely grateful to have received it. However, I will not be able to attend because I am rehearsing that day.
Best wishes,
Vasilis”
Things are generally harder when someone invites you in person.
It is said that Josephine, Napoleon’s beloved wife, would say “no” by default while simultaneously assessing the situation in her mind. That way, she did not give the person inviting her any false hope from the beginning, avoiding unnecessary suspense, and their determined efforts to persuade her to attend.
I have been trying Josephine’s approach for a long time. Although I must admit that it becomes only slightly easier with experience, I have discovered that smiling while refusing tends to push things in the right direction. 😊
Over the years, I have updated my memorised “refusal tool” to:
“…I will not be able to attend for many reasons, but mainly because I am rehearsing that day.”
This reinforces the argument and gives the person inviting me the impression that I have thought it through carefully.
Now, I am not saying that I never rehearse (rehearsing is part of my daily routine, to be exact) or that it is good to lie simply to avoid unwanted situations. However, since I do not usually* feel offended when people decline my invitations, I expect other people to feel similarly.
*Unless it is an invitation to play or listen to music, play chess, discuss subatomic particles, physics, maths, economics, books, or almost anything else I enjoy. 😊
Another technique I have been using over the years is the Nick Wilde Zootropolis super-tool.
“Would you like to meet some colleagues for a few drinks on Friday?”
“Are we talking alcohol and loud pop music?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, I can’t, I’m afraid. I’m on antibiotics.”
Or:
“Oh, I can’t, I’m afraid. My ears are killing me.”
This one is partly true if the music is not jazz, funk, orchestral, classical, quiet or soft.
It is worth saying that our refusals often do not make people give up. They will either try to become even more persuasive (especially in person) or forget the previous two “nahs” and continue inviting you to their third wedding.
